remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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