i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
