i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
