my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
