I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
