I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
