Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
a search helicopter?!
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
