My liver just broke up with me...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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