I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
