so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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