I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize