Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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