i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
