I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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