My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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