A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My hand turned me down
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
