My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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