I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
