I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
