I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
