what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You don't make any sense
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