I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize