Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
false alarm, still single
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
