your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
