Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
