Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
