I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
