I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Randomize
