Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
