At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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