I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
