This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
