I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
