I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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