I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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