he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
