Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just had sex bonerless
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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