I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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