I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
