You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
