I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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