I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
