im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
we're so committed to being not committed
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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