So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
