i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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