smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
