I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
