we have officially lost it.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
