Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
