Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
