Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
