she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
