I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
