Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
