is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
