last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize