don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
